Elizabeth
10th October
8am

 

I woke from beautiful dreams of him.  They felt so real that I could still feel the touch of his hand against my cheek upon waking.  I could almost feel him next to me; the soft cotton sheets entangling me in love.  I took a deep breath in and faintly smelt flowers, like those he had bought me on our first date.  I tried and tried to cling onto the dream, to bask in , but it flitted away as dreams so often do. Slowly, I opened my eyes to the morning glow and smiled at the world.  Only a few more weeks and we would be wed! 

 

Rosemary
15th October
1pm

 

I had not wanted to make this move.  From the busy London streets to what was basically the countryside - a quaint town surrounded by fields and forest.  The house was very different from where I had been before and would certainly take some getting used to.  It was imposing, with ornate stone work, winding corridors and large, shadowy rooms. Still, I was trying my best to be optimistic and see it as a fresh new start! 

 

I’ve never been one to keep a journal; detailing my thoughts and actions has never been for me.  However, many things here are new to me, so I may as well add another.  It felt almost fated too, in the way that I came upon it. I had been pottering about my new abode; choosing which ornaments and nick-nacks to sit in pride of place, when I pulled out a drawer on the dresser.  There it was laying inside; leather bound and slightly battered, but the paper was crisp and unused.  It felt almost rude to refuse to use it.  

 

Elizabeth
19th October
8pm 

 

I am beginning to worry.  I have not seen my beloved in days! Maybe this is normal in the weeks coming up to a wedding? Though, I do doubt that.  My racing mind is picturing him in tragic accidents: his body lifeless and bleeding,  No one near to help, no one to inform me.  I can hardly tolerate the mental anguish! I bite at my nail, ripping it down to my skin, as my panicky thoughts circle.  Oh how I miss him.  Come back to me, my love.  

 

Rosemary
21st October
7pm

 

Oh, I am terribly excited! I met a man.  His name is John and he is the most devilishly handsome man that I have ever set my eyes upon.  Dark curled hair, black eyes that glint with mystery, tall and suave! I am sure that he is an angel fallen from the heavens merely walking among us, for I have never seen such perfection in the flesh.  I was absolutely beside myself when he approached me: I felt my fluttery heart leap into my throat.  My mouth ran so dry, I could barely splutter out my responses.  I dare say, I looked a fool! I certainly did not remain collected, but he was polite and pretended to not notice.  He gazed upon me with a warm intensity and a slight smile playing around his lips.  He asked me on a date and I simply could not refuse! I know that I should not get ahead of myself in my excitement, for that is not becoming of a woman! Still, these are my private words for my eyes only - I shall allow myself just this one outlet for my girlish sensibilities! 

 

Elizabeth
23rd October
8pm

 

Oh, how I do try to not let his absence affect me, but I am finding my mood to be flatter than ever! This morning I awoke in giddy excitement at the very prospect of seeing him.  I practically skipped with each step I took. I waited expectantly for him; hoping for that familiar knock upon the door, the thud of his boots, the swish of his coat… However, as the day wore on and night drew in, my merriment fell into something somber.  

 

This evening, I lit a candle to pray. I gazed upon the yellow flame and filled my mind with only him.  I prayed hard, with hope and love.  I prayed that one day I would hold him in my arms again.  I prayed and I watched the smoke carrying my prayer to the Lord and I felt better.  

 

At least I did for a time.  

 

Rosemary
25th October

6pm

 

I saw John again today.  He took me for a long walk through the town gardens.  It was such a beautiful day, both for weather and dare I say, romance! He shared wondrous tales with me.  He appears to be such an interesting man; both clever and thoughtful.  I am captivated.  When he asked if he could see me again, it was a resounding yes! 

 

Rosemary
27th October

6am

 

Stones and twigs bit at my bare feet as I ran.  Branches grabbed at me, holding me back.  I pushed forward, running as fast as I could.  My breath was ragged, my chest was sore.  I had never felt a panic rise within me as strong as this.  I forced my way through the trees; catching and ripping my dress, scratching my porcelain skin.  I stumbled… I screamed….

 

I gasped; my heart hammering in my chest, body shaking in terror.  My eyes adjusted; gone was the darkened forest, replaced with the familiar shadows of my room.  I felt horribly alert, my eyes darting back and forth, my breath too quick to be restful.  I knew I should try to relax, to go back to sleep, it was just a dream.  However, I had never experienced a dream where I had been so afraid. I was too scared to close my eyes again, in case I was plunged straight back into the horrors.  

Elizabeth
30th October

9pm

 

How my hope wanes! My dreams of him, whilst still so pure and loving, leave a sour taste in my mouth.  The faint floral scent now feels insipid, burning my nose.  The warmth on my skin begins to itch.  Yet, how I still yearn for him! My heart is crushed, but I am still so full of love.  

 

In a bitter attempt to recapture his love, I lit another candle.  I whispered prayer after prayer into its yellow glow, then I watched the wisps carry them onwards.  I poured every ounce of hope I had into my prayer and knew that in time, he would return to me.  

 

Rosemary
2nd November

6am

 

I run through the forest, fighting against scraggly branches that cut me in my haste.  I stumble through the trees, desperate and afraid.  I know that I am being chased but I am too scared to look behind me.  I stumble into blackness.  

 

Why do these dreams afflict me so? And why, I ask, are they always the same? The setting, the chase, the struggle, but yet, each time, the fear remains the same.  

 

Rosemary
2nd November

8pm

 

Once the morning light filtered through the windows, I started to feel better.  By lunchtime, my terrors were long forgotten and I was happily by John’s side.  We shared lunch together and then walked the countryside. However, now that I am back home and the night has closed in, I am feeling nervous about sleeping.  I take a candle and say a prayer, for myself, for John and for my tortured mind.  

 

Elizabeth
3rd November
8pm

 

I am falling into melancholy.  I have taken to crying bitterly at the window, waiting for him to show.  He never does.  How my heart aches! And my mind, it burns with questions.  Where has he gone? Why has he stopped talking to me? What have I done wrong?

 

Rosemary
9th November
4am  

 

Another morning, awoken with a jolt from within, soaked in the sweat of terror.  As reality crept back in, I pulled my sheets up high around my neck and curled into them.  I sobbed to myself for a moment; grieving the nights of peaceful slumber I had once known.  What was becoming of my mind? I wanted to talk, to confide in someone, but there was no one I could trust! My parents would dismiss me, my other friends lived so far away, and John? Well, he might think me mad! Best to keep these things to myself, I decided, for I did not want to end up in a madhouse! 

 

Rosemary
13th November

5pm

 

Oh, these past few days have been utterly marvellous! Yesterday, John and I attended a party.  I must admit, I have never gone dancing before, so that was a peculiar experience! Thankfully, he did not laugh at my poor footwork or lack of co-ordination! Tonight, he is going to be taking me to the opera! Another first for me and I am terribly excited! 

 

At least, I think I am.  I do feel a strange sense of melancholy as I sit and write.  I cannot place where the mood has come from.  I try to shake it, but it will not budge.  Maybe something in my eager anticipation -  nervousness showing up strangely?  Yes, that must be it! 

 

Elizabeth
15th November
7pm

 

The house feels emptier tonight; colder and lonelier than ever.  I sit by the chamber window and look out into the inky black.  I hope to see him out there, to step out of the blackness and be mine once more.  The bitter winter winds whistle outside, almost like a voice calling to me.  I light another candle and whisper my prayers into its yellow warmth.  I breathe it in, trying to brighten my heart in its glow.  

 

I hate to admit that its effects are diminishing on me.  Where once a candle would renew my hope and give me joy abundant, I am now closer to misery. I cannot stop wondering where he might have gone. Has he passed onto the next and no one has informed me? Has he simply met another and left me, clueless and alone? 

 

I shake myself before my mind unravels into endless unanswerable questions.  I take another candle and light it with the flame from the first.  I extend the flame and strengthen my prayer to the Lord.  He will hear me now.  He will bring him back to me.  

 

Rosemary
16th November

5pm

 

My mind feels as though it is wracked with thoughts that are not my own.  I ache with feelings that do not sit right with my body.  I am bitterly sad and full of woe.  I have no reason, but I cannot seem to lift the corners of my mouth to even the hint of a smile.  Tomorrow, I tell myself.  Tomorrow, I will feel myself again.  

 

Rosemary
20th November
7pm

 

Horrors plague my nights and sadness steals my days.  Each morning, I am broken with fear.  I shake with terror and scream my way into consciousness.  When I am recovered, I am in a state of misery.  No reason or cause - I am simply just full of sadness.  

 

How I worry that John will notice these changes within me.  Surely he will wonder where the bright, fun girl has gone? I try to drag her back out of my depths, but I cannot find any brightness within.  I know that he will change his mind about me! This terrifies me: for despite all my woe, I do love him so.  

 

Elizabeth
22nd November
8pm

 

The nights grow darker and colder still.  I shiver in my seat beside the window, the winds ever howling outside.  I stare out into the black; somewhere between longing and despair.  The candles flicker beside me.  Each topped with a glowing yellow flame and smoky wisps that reach to the heavens.  I whisper my prayers over and over, sharing the desperate hope between all three flames.  

 

Rosemary
23rd November

7pm

 

Oh, all of this is affecting me so.  I cancelled my date with John.  He would not wish to spend time with someone so wretched and I cannot force a smile to my face.  

 

Instead, I took myself to church to pray for my sanity.  I had hopes that the walks would lift my spirits and the prayer would work wonders on the darkness within.  When I returned home, the house smelt fondly of candle smoke, as if my prayers had followed me.  I can only hope that they did.  

 

Rosemary
24th November

5am

 

I am running as fast as my legs will allow.  My breath is ragged and I cannot gasp for enough air.  My chest is tight and pleading with me to stop, but I know that I cannot.  I am being chased, I know they are close, I can almost feel their breath on my neck…

 

I awake to a scream.  I bring my knees to my chest and wail in despair.  I am so tired of these endless terrors.  Once the tears subside, I drag myself from my bed to the mirror.  I hardly recognise myself.  I am exhausted, dishevelled. The night clings to me in dark circles and blood shot eyes. Where is the girl I used to be?

 

Elizabeth

25th November
8pm 

 

The bitter, icy winds wail at my windows and I shiver before my candles.  The chamber is illuminated by flames, each trembling as if they have a life of their own.  I let the prayers from my lips, whispered desperation carried to the heavens on their smoke.  I call out for him, my heart raw. 

 

Rosemary
26th November
7am

 

My mind is full of spectres.  I am terrified. I awake with a thumping heart and ragged breath.  The room around me smells faintly of smoke, but no candles have burned.  Am I mad? I am torn by the shadows around me.  I turn to my dresser and see my diary has been left open on a page.  Inspection of it reveals a new ink stain that was not there before, faint words in a hand that does not match mine.  My mind is falling apart.  I know that I am mad.  

 

Elizabeth
26th November
8pm 

 

The wind is screaming outside my windows.  I cannot bear the waiting any longer.  I need him.  Every candle, every prayer, every whispered plea has gone unanswered.  I am in anguish.  I find every candle that I have and light them.  I tiptoe between them, walking the room whispering my prayers.  The wax drips down, the smoke rises, the prayers continue.  I will have him back.  He will be mine again.  

 

For a moment, the chamber warms, as though a breath joins my own.  A faint smell of roses wafts, ever so gently, just for a second.  I pause, listening, but I only hear the sigh of the wind behind the glass of the window panes.  I continue on in my prayers, yet I have a strange feeling that my words are not just my own.  

 

Rosemary
26th November
9pm

 

I prayed again for my sanity.  I cannot let my mind fall into oblivion.  I took my candle and sat by the window of the chamber, looking upon the world and remembering what is good and happy.  Slowly, I lit my candle and watched it burn as I said my prayer.  I filled my mind with happy memories and held them true/  I would be okay.  I would regain myself.  

 

For a brief moment, the candle glowed bright. Brighter than ever seemed possible for just one. I felt a breath hot against my cheek, a whisper joining my prayer, saying my words with me.  I stopped and listened.  Silence.  The breath, the warmth, the whisper, gone as fast as it had arrived.  Yet, my body remembered.  My hairs stood on end and my hands shook with fright.  Without recommencing my prayer, I blew the candle out and hurriedly climbed into bed. There I stayed beneath the sheets, drenched in sweat and fear.  

 

Rosemary
27th November
4am
 

I am running.  My heart pounds.  My flesh is scratched and bleeding.  I stumble through branches and thorns, desperate to escape.  I hear them behind me; footsteps getting ever closer.  A hand seizes me.  I turn and there he stands.  Familiar, and yet not so.  His hands close around my throat.  I struggle, I reach, I…

 

I wake screaming.  Tears fall heavily down my face.  I scramble from my sheets, desperate to part from the bed where terror always befalls me.  My throat still burns.  I collapse on the floor and sob until dawn.  

 

Elizabeth
27th November
8pm

 

The wind shrieks.  I feel it within me, cold in my chest.  My hands ache and burn; barely able to hold the candles as I place them around me.  Exhaustion takes over me, as if there is a pressure, a weight, holding me down.  

 

I surround myself with candles, but I cannot get them to hold a flame.  I think of him, filling my mind with love.  I start to pray, but my mind falters.  Words betray me and my mind is thick with trees.  

I shake myself to concentrate, but in my mind I only see the forest.  

 

Rosemary
27th November
8pm

 

My dream will not leave me.  It circles my mind over and over.  The fear remains in my bones.  His eyes bore into me even now; cold and grey.  He was so familiar and yet I have never seen him like this.  I have never had a reason to fear him, but now the thought of him turns my blood cold.  It’s just a dream, it’s just a dream.  Is it just a dream? Am I just mad? Or is it a warning? A premonition? Or something that happened long ago?

 

Elizabeth
27th November
9pm

 

The winds call to me; echoing through the cracks in my chamber.  I let them take me.  I know where I must go.  To the forest.  It beckons me from inside my mind and stretches around me. 

 

I throw my shawl across my shoulders, take a candle to guide me, and I follow.  

 

Rosemary
27th November
9pm 

 

I cannot take this a moment longer.  My house is plagued by whispers and full of smoke.  My mind is screaming at me.  The dreams are real.  I know that they are.  I know where I must go: to the forest.  Only there will I find the answers and maybe, just maybe I will be free from this torture.  

 

Elizabeth
27th November
10pm

 

The wind is still as I stand before the forest, where the land meets the trees.  I take a step forward.  I walk as if I know where I am going.  My feet carrying me with certainty.  

 

Rosemary
27th November
10pm

 

The forest stands before me, bearing down on me.  Every gnarled tree, each knotted branch is exactly as it is in my dreams.  I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with the cold winter air.  I take a step, the ground crunching beneath my boots.  Fear floods through me, but I continue.  I have to go on. I take another step, and another.  Each footstep falling exactly in place as it does in my dreams.  

 

Elizabeth
27th November
10pm 

 

The wind swirls around me as I walk.  It whispers his name.  I follow it with longing, deeper into the forest.  I walk until only candle-light guides me.  

 

Rosemary
27th November
10pm

 

I am not alone in the forest.  I start to run, fear carrying me forward.  The wind holds whispers.  There are footsteps, or perhaps the blood pounding in my ears.  The forest bears down on me, scratching my skin and ensnaring my mind.  My dreams are my reality.  My pace quickens.  

 

Elizabeth
27th November
10pm

 

As I walk, the wind calls to me.  I call back.  He is there, in the depths, I know he is.  I walk until I find a clearing.  I stop and the winds shriek, surrounding me.  I hold my candle steady and fall to my knees.  I pray for him, the wind echoing my words.  I have not felt closer to him.  I know that he is here.  

 

A figure appears before me. It is him! At last, he appears before me, after all this time! He does not come closer; standing back in the darkness.  I crawl towards him and reach out.  My hands find only smoke and longing.  The cold rushes through me and my candle dies.  

 

Rosemary
27th November
10pm

 

I stumble through the trees, clutching at the darkness.  Branches tear at my arms, the wind screams in my ears.  I think I can hear him behind me, or maybe that is in my mind. I am too afraid to look.  My lungs are on fire, my legs have a mind of their own.  The forest is a blur of shadow and panic.  

 

I stumble and fall into a clearing.  I expect the footsteps to bear down on me, the hands to grab me, but none come.  I can only hear the blood rushing in my head, my breath catching in my burning throat.  I can smell the smoke of a candle, but I did not bring one with me.  I whisper a prayer for myself, but it catches and no sound escapes me.  There is only silence and the slowing beat of my heart, fading down, slower still.  

 

Elizabeth

28th November
Moments before dawn

 

The forest air is still.  Snow falls softly through the canopy, covering all that once was.  My body is still, my heart quiet.  

 

And I shall lie here.  Lost to him.  Forevermore.